I think I’ve lost faith. I believe in God (or some supreme power), but I don’t think that prayer can heal or cure. I don’t think miracles exist. I think that whatever God has planned is final. When my aunt was first diagnosed, we all prayed for her quick recovery. She responded to her treatment, and we all were thrilled and relieved, but things got bad again. Then they got worse, and we soon realized that we couldn’t pray away her cancer. My grandma would say prayer after prayer after prayer, and mark them down on a sheet of paper – keeping track of how many she said each day, each hour. I couldn’t look in her in the eyes – I felt like I knew a secret that she didn’t. My aunt was not going to make it through this. She was not going to get better.

Maybe this is all a reaction to losing someone I loved very much to a disgusting, nasty disease. Maybe after some more time passes I won’t feel this way.

What was the point of her getting cancer, fighting it so hard, and then dying? Was she supposed to learn something profound in those 8 short months? Were we? All I learned was to be incredibly fearful of cancer. I learned that having faith doesn’t make a difference. I learned that the only people who believe in miracles are those whose stories have a happy ending. The rest of us just stop believing. Or at least I have stopped believing.

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