I have been having raging migraines for over a week. I’m not sure what is wrong, but I’ve pretty much given up on trying to figure that out. I’m just dealing with them as they happen, which has been just about every day.

I just took two painkillers at once. Well, I guess there was about 15 minutes in between, but seriously, what’s the difference? I will be out cold here in a few moments. The problem is that I’m supposed to be making dinner (I just accidentally typed “sinner,” which I think is kind of strange). Patrick has been sick the past few days and this morning I offered to make him one of his favorite meals. I think I can do it. I’ve cooked like this before. It’s not wise to use sharp knives in this condition, but once I get through that part of the cooking process, I’m pretty much home free. The chopping of the veggies does pose a challenge, but after that, everything has to simmer for an hour. A WHOLE HOUR! I probably need to set my alarm because I most likely would not wake up on my own.

I wonder if the headaches are due to my body being way off this month. I know this is the medication talking (or making me feel open enough to discuss this topic, but what the heck, it’s my blog, right?), but last week I thought that I was pregnant. Yep, I actually for the first time in my life (well, maybe the second time, but it was much more realistic this time) that I thought I was pregnant. Everything was pointing in that direction and also for the first time in my life, I was secretly praying that I was. Each day that passed I hoped and prayed that I would not get my period. And each day that passed, it never came. Nothing. I didn’t feel like I would ever get it. My mind wandered and I would wonder how I would tell Patrick and wonder how he would react. I told myself not to, I told myself to just pretend that I wasn’t and I wouldn’t be disappointed. But there I was, 7 days late, driving back from dropping off my grant, and I could feel the cramps starting. I was alone in my car and all I could say was, “Shit!” I could feel the tears well up in my eyes and I was surprised by this reaction.

I have never told a soul this, but I secretly picked out the baby bedding/accessories I want to buy if we ever do have children. I didn’t do this last week, it was actually a few months ago when I stopped taking the pill. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that, but then again, I don’t know many people who read this, so I guess I shouldn’t care. I’m worried that I will jinx myself now that I’ve picked out bedding.

I work with a woman who just had a baby a month ago. She is about my age (34) and never had sex until she met this boyfriend (now husband). The first time she EVER had sex, she got pregnant. My heart sank when she told me. Why not me? When will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn? I’m happy for her – she is a sweet and thoughtful person – but sometimes it sucks.

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