Hello. My name is Tracy and I’m a bad mother. No, not a “bad mutha” like Shaft…because that would actually be pretty awesome. I’m talking about a bad mother. A bad parent. The kind of bad mother who actually tells her screaming 3-month old baby to “shut up.” I didn’t just tell him, I yelled at him, and I didn’t just yell it once. I yelled it over and over and over.

We’re not sure what’s wrong right now. He started to teethe a couple of weeks ago and he fights sleep like crazy. He can be completely asleep and then you put him in his crib and it’s like someone lit his hair on fire. By the end of the night, I lose my patience. Last night, I was with him for an hour – changed his diaper, fed him a bottle, rocked him, rubbed his back, talked to him softly. He fell asleep. And then the wheels fell off – his and mine.

I can’t believe that I did it. I can’t believe that I yelled at him. I know he can’t help it – he cries because that’s one of the only ways he can communicate. I remember looking at him while he was screaming and he looked scared and exhausted. I should have hugged him. I should have kissed him. But I didn’t. I chose to yell at him. Patrick finally came to relieve me and I went downstairs.

Griffin woke up at about 4:30 AM to be changed and fed. He looked up at me while he ate and he smiled. He didn’t remember what I had said to him just a few hours earlier. All he knew was that I was there to comfort and feed him – I wasn’t that horrible person who yelled.

After he fell back asleep, I just stood there and watched him…and I sobbed. I whispered over and over how sorry I was and how much I loved him.

I just hope he heard me.

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