I wasn’t sure if I should title this post Day One of Square One. The whole point is that I’m starting over. I actually felt a bit of relief yesterday morning when I left the psychologist’s office – partly because I finally was able to talk to someone (a professional) about things, but also because I felt like I was on the right path. Moving forward. Getting better.

That only lasted for a little while before the doom and gloom came over me again. The dread. The fear. The anxiety. The I-can’t-keep-doing-this. As I stood in the doctor’s office making my next appointment, I couldn’t help but feel defeated. Am I seriously here again? When am I going to be done with this stuff? When am I going to conquer it all? It’s so disappointing, which only fuels the depression.

I have these brief moments when I feel motivated and I think I can handle things. I like those moments. They actually make me smile. The only problem is that they’re so short-lived. Maybe 30 seconds if I’m lucky. Then it’s right back to the dread.

I’m my own worst enemy in this battle. I’m very aware of that. The rational versus the irrational parts of me. Right now the irrational is winning. The I’m-never-going-to-get-better part of my brain is a lot louder.

I want to go back to yesterday morning when I felt good about everything. How do I get that feeling back?

Advertisements