Patrick is out of town tonight, so I’m home alone with Griffin and this is causing me a huge amount of anxiety. I’m scared he’s going to wake up in the middle of the night and I’m not going to be able to take care of him. Or worse, that I’m not going to want to. It’s those thoughts that drive me deeper and deeper into a depression. What kind of mother thinks those things?

I’m trying to do anything to keep my mind occupied. TV. The Internet. Writing. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to go to sleep tonight. I’ve been suffering from such horrible insomnia lately – waking in the middle of the night and then the anxiety keeps me up. Sometimes I only get 4 hours of sleep a night.

All I do at night is stare at the baby monitor. It’s an awful feeling.

We’ll see how long I make it tonight.