I am very thankful that my neurologist refilled my prescription for painkillers.
August 1, 2009
At the age of 14 I sunk into a deep, deep depression. So deep that I could not see a way out. So deep that while I never contemplated suicide, I kept it in my back pocket as a last resort. So deep that I spent two full months in a psychiatric unit of a hospital because there was no other option.
In the 22 years since then, I have battled the occasional emotional ups-and-downs, the funks, and I’ve even had to go back on anti-depressants a couple of times, but nothing even close to what I experienced back then. The last bout was back in 2001. I went to see a psychologist and ended up on Paxil. They both helped tremendously and for the first time in my life I felt like I’d conquered the depression and anxiety.
Until last week.
It’s back. I thought it was a funk. It’s not. I know the difference. With a funk, I can see the end of it – I know it’s temporary. I can feel it. This feels so different. I’m starting to pull away from everyone and everything.
I don’t want to go on and on about it because I know what I need to do. I already made an appointment. I hope to avoid medication this time mainly because I think I might have to stop taking my Topamax. Too many meds messing up my brain.
I hate this. I hate this more than anything else in my life. I hate it more than migraines. I can feel myself slipping and sinking each day. Each minute. It hurts. I looked at Griffin this evening and I told him how sorry I was. I was sorry for passing on my fucked up genes to him (god how I hope he never has to know what depression feels like). I was sorry that I wasn’t doing all the things I should be doing with him (guilt, guilt, guilt). If I don’t get better for myself, I need to get better for him.
So, there you have it. A deep, dark secret and a big confession all on a late Saturday night. What more could you ask for?
July 5, 2009
On Friday I woke up with an awful migraine…and no medicine. Once I got Griffin settled with a clean diaper and a bottle, I plopped him in bed with Patrick and drove to Walgreens as fast as possible to get my prescriptions. The pain subsided within a few hours, but I was left feeling tired and out-of-sorts. I was so upset because this was my day off from work – a “free day.” A day I could take Griffin and take a walk or go to the park. I made all sorts of plans because Patrick had a few things he had to do for work and then we were going to meet up and do some stuff together later that evening. But I had to go ahead and get a migraine.
After Griffin’s morning nap, I forced myself out of the house and to the park. I was disappointed that no one else was there. Seriously. It was a gorgeous day…where were all the other families? I got Griffin in the swing and he had a blast. I don’t know who giggled more, me or him. I had my camera with me and took a ton of pictures. It was so bright outside, so I couldn’t really tell if I was getting anything good, but when I got home, I was pleasantly surprised.
Later that night, the three of us went to dinner and ate outside and then off to downtown Rock Island to watch the fireworks. What started off as a pretty awful day, turned into one of the best days ever, and here are some pictures to prove it:
July 1, 2009
I’ve been battling some wicked migraines over the past week. One of them, on Sunday, left me pretty much incapacitated. I could feel one coming on last night and by this morning, it was bad. Even now, after taking my medication, I still have some pain.
I’m working from home today and while I ate lunch, I watched an episode of The Office. I really needed a good laugh, and nothing can make me laugh like Dwight playing air guitar…
June 6, 2009
Today was a weird day. There’s no other way to explain it. Griffin has been battling a cold for the past few days and the poor guy is struggling to breathe through his nose. He slept pretty well last night, but was up at 6 AM and kind of fussed his way through the next couple of hours. I have been battling migraines for the past week and this morning was no different, so at 6 AM I was not ready to wake up, let alone take care of a sick and fussy baby. But I did, and I even made apple cinnamon muffins at 6:30 AM (please hold your applause…they were from a package).
By the time Griffin took his morning nap, I was exhausted and my head was throbbing. I crawled back into bed. Patrick was still there (he’d had a bad night and hadn’t gotten much sleep). I could make this really short story really long, but I won’t. The bottom line is that all three of us napped today at the same time. Then we all battled headaches today. I had a migraine. Patrick had a tension headache. I assume Griffin had a sinus-type headache. We were all a bit out of sorts. Griffin is in bed right now and Patrick is taking another nap. Griffin is reacting to his cold, and I think Patrick has been in a funk lately – he’s been missing his dad a lot. Me? I’m not sure what my problem is. The headaches have been back and I’m not too happy about that. Work has been stressful again. I’ve got some other issues I’m dealing with, but those need their own post, which I fully intend to write a) when I can find the time and b) when I can find the courage.
May 14, 2009
I need to go to bed. I really, really need to go to bed. I have no idea what happened to this day. Last night at 7:30 PM I knew I was going to wake up with a migraine. And I did. I was irritable and really sleepy (way more than usual for both of those).
I ended up working from home today and I thought I had all kinds of time and before I knew it, the day was over. Well, technically, the day still isn’t over, but I’m not being technical.
So this is how my evening went:
Pick up Griffin from day care
Tiptoe through the house while he takes a much needed nap
Try to finish writing a grant while he takes a much needed nap
Wish I was taking a much needed nap instead of writing a grant
Cringe when I hear Griffin wake up from much needed, but short-lived nap
Play with Griffin
Wrestle Griffin (aka Diaper Change)
Stress out for a moment when he starts to gag on a Goldfish cracker
Take Griffin to Duncan’s baseball game
Realize we show up at the wrong diamond
Drive to the correct diamond and watch some of the game
Leave when Griffin gets fussy
Watch him crawl across the ceramic tile and lean against the front door
Hug him when he bangs his head into the front door and cries
Hand Griffin to Patrick when he walks in the door
Finish making dinner
Eat dinner by myself while watching the repeat of the Cubs game
Finish writing grant
Realize that I am not prepared for 7:30 AM marketing meeting
Find notes for marketing meeting
Skim notes and decide to fake it
In other news, I took some pictures of Griffin in his new monogrammed chair from Nana and Baba, but the batteries in my camera died and the cord to upload the pictures onto my computer is in my car and I’m all sorts of lazy right now and am not about to walk the 15 feet to the garage to get it. Lady busy, maybe later. There’s an off chance that my sister will read this and understand that last sentence…
April 6, 2009
Detox Day Two: It still sucks.